Monday, August 6, 2012

Vs. James Holmes Does NOT Beware the Batman... And NOW, Neither Should We


Toned down or not, this is a travesty on every level

Another victory can now be claimed by James Holmes, the murderer responsible for the horrific Aurora theater massacre. You can read the killer's first win here. As a result of this inhumane crime, Warner Bros. has decided to implement further damage control by making some alterations to their upcoming animated Batman series Beware The Batman.


Now, by no means was this new Batman interpretation even slightly appealing before Warner's decision to dampen down the tone of it's subject matter.  Take a good look at the picture above and you can immediately infer how this is clearly a big middle finger rammed up the ass of the Batman mythos. Hell, you don't even have to look long to come up to a conclusion. There are several things that point to 'failsville,' but I'm going to highlight on the two that irk me the most. For one, this new series will not include any known villains from Batman's rogues gallery. So Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman... they won't be seen in this one. Instead, we get Professor Pyg and Mister Toad. Other than Batman himself (and of course the Bat Family), what makes reading and watching Batman interesting. Well, no shit, his villains! Bats has got the most diverse and well-balanced rogues gallery in the DC universe. Sorry Flash, your enemies gets the reward for the lamest.

For those of you not familiar with Professor Pyg, I'm sure your first impression of him would not to be very receptive. Come on, look at the image above again and tell me that Lechon binge-fest-pig-face makes you fear for your life, or more like makes you want to reconsider your cholesterol intake. Once you've contemplated on that, look a bit to the left and ask yourselves: is frogger trying to look menacing, or is he trying to mask the fear showing on his face, because it sure looks like he's scared shitless and soiled pants altogether. In all honesty, Grant Morrison's Professor Pyg is one of the more interesting Bat villains in recent years. This dude is full on bat crazy (pun not intended) crazy. Of course, being a comic, Morrison has all the liberty to flesh out the psychopathic characteristics of Pyg and even Mister Toad. On a cartoon aimed for the kiddies, not so much. Maybe if this was a cartoon airing on HBO, Showtime, or AMC, it could work. They could make it like the HBO Spawn series. Unfortunately, this is being made for Cartoon Network, so enough with that.

Then, there's a teensy issue I have with Alfred on the right. At first, you may think, 'Alright! A badass interpretation of Alfed! This is going to be so pownage! And he's wielding dual pistols, John Woo style. That is fucking gangsta!' Right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I? I am right? No! No!! No!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! FUCKING NO! Let's backtrack for a few. What object murdered Bruce's parents? What is the one item not found in Batman's utility belt/array of gadgets? What is the one thing Batman will never use as a means to serve justice! Oh wait.... that's right, a GUN! GUNS!!! (for those of you thinking, grappling gun, shame on you) The Batman does not use guns! The Batman does not kill no matter how grave the situation is. So what do these smart asses on the creative team decide to place in Alfred's hands, not one, but TWO fucking guns!!! "Oh, Master Bruce, it appears your in need of assistance. Allow me to go full on gangsta on The Penguin, because maiming criminals is the shit!"  

According to Variety, "an unspecified number of alterations were made to some designs and situations on the series to minimize the amount of weapon imagery deemed too realistic."  So great, lets give in again to this whackjob. Maybe Warner should just take Batman out entirely and just put in Batmite now. At least it would bring back the fun that Brave and the Bold offered. Sure, the series was clearly campy, cartoony, or whatever the hell you want to look at it, but that's how it was made out to be, it never took itself seriously and knew how to make fun of itself without insulting the intelligence of its viewers. I, for one, would have that show back any day instead of 'hammer-head' Batman above. What the fuck is wrong with his skull? Katana wielding side kick to attract the female crowd, shit! I'm just going to stop here before I give myself a freaking heart attack. 

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